


if you can't cope i will dry your eyes, i will fight your fight and i will hold you tight

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of blood and violence, its a bit sad which wasn’t my intention I apologise, mentions of Paul - Freeform, paramedic!callum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22505569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: Callum calls a taxi down, lifting Ben to his feet carefully. “Why ya doing this?” Ben asks, clinging on to Callum’s arm.Callum licks his lips, looks away and says, “seems like you could do with a mate right now.”The journey to Callum’s flat is full of heavy silence and it carries on until Ben’s sat on Callum’s sofa and Callum’s bringing down the first aid kit the size of a kitchen sink. He grabs painkillers and water too, tells Ben to take them and to drink up.“You are worse than my mum,” Ben huffs, but he drinks the water quickly, thankful.“I think ya mum would be happy you were in safe hands, Ben.” He tells Ben to stay still as he wipes up the cuts from his eye, “sorry,” Callum whispers when Ben flinches.or five times callum helps ben +1 time ben helps callum
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 18
Kudos: 171





	if you can't cope i will dry your eyes, i will fight your fight and i will hold you tight

**Author's Note:**

> this is the ever so sweet @ballumory on tumblr who wanted paramedic callum... it kind of lost its way, but i hope you enjoy it all the same x
> 
> song title - “i won’t let you go” - by rascal flatts

**I  
**  
Callum’s used to dealing with people out in town who’ve had a little too much to drink. It’s what Callum has to deal with on weekend shifts.

He adores being a paramedic, it’s all he ever wanted to do when growing up – being a chef was a close second, another one of his great loves.

Being a paramedic comes with highs and lows. He’s seen things he wouldn’t wish on anyone. Things stay with him, it doesn’t matter how hard you try and forget, it just _sticks._ Then there’s the highs, the moments when he knows he’s saved someone’s life, or when people thank him, or when he can have a laugh with a patient and it’s enough to push him through the rest of the day.

Tonight is a slow night. He waits for a call to come through with Tina in the ambulance. It’s almost strange for a late Friday night, but Callum doesn’t have to worry, a call comes through not long after and they’re on the move.

Some guy left beaten down an alleyway. Apparently an unprovoked attack and it makes Callum’s blood run cold because how could anybody want to hurt another human? To hurt them and then leave them for dead?

When they get there the injured guy has managed to sit himself up against the wall.

He’s groaning in pain and Callum kneels down to get a proper look at him, asks him his name and asks him where he’s hurt.

“Ben,” he hisses, rolling his head back. “I’m fine.”

“Ya don’t look it,” Callum scoffs, putting on gloves to tilt Ben’s face towards him to get a better look at the cut on his lip. “What happened?”

Ben shrugs weakly, “wound some blokes up. Got a fist or two for the trouble.” He winces when Callum’s finger brushes against the cut.

“Let’s get ya into the ambulance so we can check on ya properly, yeah?”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Ben protests again, but everything he’s saying goes against him.

In the back of the ambulance the lights make Ben’s eyes quint against the light. All he wants to do is go home and sleep.

Callum does all his checks whilst Tina makes a record of it all.

“Do ya want us to phone someone to come and pick ya up?” Callum asks, finishing up his checks and deciding Ben just needs to get home and take painkillers.

“No,” Ben shakes his head as strongly as he can. “I’m alright, thanks.”

Callum nods, getting up to open the doors. “Try and stay out of trouble next time, mate.”

“Might just risk it to see your face again.”

Is Ben smirking? Is Ben _flirting_?

Callum’s cheeks flush pink, can’t help a little smile back. He decides to ignore it, Ben’s drunk and he doesn’t know what he’s saying _obviously_.

“Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight…”

“Callum,” he licks his lips, wonders why he’s given his name so freely. There’s no reason for him to, but the more Ben’s looking at him, Callum feels something unwind that loosens him up, almost makes him forget where and what he’s doing.

“ _Callum_ ,” Ben replies slowly, his name heavy in his mouth.

Ben simply winks before walking away and flagging a taxi down.

Callum can’t seem to drag his eyes away until Tina’s tapping his shoulder and laughing in his ear, “come on lover boy.”

“What?” Callum huffs, hates how dry his mouth is.

Tina just shakes her head fondly with a teasing smile, before turning around the van to get into the passengers side.

Callum can’t think about it for much longer, a call comes through on the radio.

**II**

A few weeks later Callum and Tina hit a few gay bars in the city. Maybe that’s why they get on so well, their colleagues joking that it’s a _gay thing._ They seem to just get each other and it makes a job like there’s a lot easier sometimes.

“We are finding you a good man tonight,” Tina concludes, without so much as a word from Callum about wanting to ‘find’ anyone in the first place.

“No,” Callum shudders after downing his shot. “I ain’t looking-“

“Well, it’s time you did! Look at you,” she leans up to pinch his cheeks. “You’re too handsome to be single.”

Callum laughs her off, “says you. I don’t see you with a woman on your arm,” he raises his eyebrows like he’s got the upper hand.

Tina side eyes him, a gleeful smile on her face. “Don’t you worry about me,” she orders them another drink, “I get plenty of attention.” Her eyes scan the nightclub before settling on a a guy with tattoos up his arms and muscles almost popping out of his extra small shirt. “What about him?”

Callum couldn’t think of anything worse. “Not really my type,” Callum shakes his head. “Now, can we just go and have a few drinks and leave my love life alone?”

Tina holds her hands up defensively, but grins along. “Whatever ya want babe.”

Tina ends up leaving just before Callum does, a woman with a gorgeous smile by her side – most likely just to prove a point to Callum, and it’s just one of the reasons he adores her.

Callum walks the small distance to a kebab shop, but he’s stopped in his tracks, he hasn’t drank that much, and he’d know that face anywhere, day or night. Callum might not be on duty right now, but he can’t just walk on by, not when he gets closer and sees blood all over his face and shirt.

“Ben,” Callum says his name cautiously, kneeling down to get a better look.

Ben lifts his head up slowly, even now a smile creeps onto Ben’s face. “Ya remembered my name then,” Ben’s nostrils flare, he must be in pain and no matter how hard he tries to hide it, it’s pretty clear he’s in a bad way. “Knew ya fancied me.”

Callum sighs, “stop joking around, Ben.” He looks up helplessly, “I think we should get ya to the hospital.”

“No,” Ben frowns.

“Look at you, Ben! This ain’t right,” Callum’s not sure why it’s hurting to see someone he doesn’t even know like this, but it’s cutting him up inside. Especially now, when he can’t even help him properly.

“I don’t need a lecture, alright.” Ben’s mouth sits in a straight line. “Don’t ya have a home to go to, or something? Or do ya like a bit of rough and were hoping I’d invite ya back to mine?”

Callum shakes his head, “no, stop joking around Ben and let me help ya!”

“They’ll only ask questions,” Ben rubs at his neck. “I’m fine, used to it now.”

Callum’s heart sinks because he sounds so tired. It’s like he puts all his energy into goading people that when they give him what he wants, he’s got no energy to fight back. A punishment of some kind.

“Fine. Ya can come back to mine then. I can take a look at ya and you can get your head down for the night.”

Callum calls a taxi down, lifting Ben to his feet carefully. “Why ya doing this?” Ben asks, clinging on to Callum’s arm.

Callum licks his lips, looks away and says, “seems like you could do with a mate right now.”

The journey to Callum’s flat is full of heavy silence and it carries on until Ben’s sat on Callum’s sofa and Callum’s bringing down the first aid kit the size of a kitchen sink. He grabs painkillers and water too, tells Ben to take them and to drink up.

“You are worse than my mum,” Ben huffs, but he drinks the water quickly, thankful.

“I think ya mum would be happy you were in safe hands, Ben.” He tells Ben to stay still as he wipes up the cuts from his eye, “sorry,” Callum whispers when Ben flinches.

It’s quiet again until Callum’s finished up and he’s bringing in Ben old clothes to put on for the night. “Try and get some sleep, yeah?”

Ben nods, “yeah,” he takes the clothes from the sofa, deciding to undress right there and then without giving warning, without giving chance for Callum to turn and give him privacy.

Callum clears his throat awkwardly, and Ben’s grinning cheekily up at him. “Like what ya see, do you?”

Callum can’t help but grin back, an ease settling between the two. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Night my hero,” Ben pulls the blanket over him as he lays down, his eyes already falling shut.

_Night my hero._

The words ring in Callum’s ears until he manages to fall asleep.

**III**

Callum and Tina end up on a double date. Or rather, Tina ends up on a date who brings her gay best friend along and so Tina does the same.

“Do I have to be here?” Callum mumbles, when they get to the bar.

“Trust me, I’d much rather it be just me and Sonia, but what can I do?” She turns to wave at her, “why don’t you try talking to him? Get to know him?”

Callum’s not sure why he’s so adamant, but he really doesn’t want to. The guys attractive, Callum can see that, _anyone_ can see it, his hearts just not in it and he’s not here to string somebody along.

“It’s fine,” Callum promises. “Quite enjoying you lost for words for once.”

Tina slaps his arm, laughing, “is it that obvious?”

“Just a teeny bit,” he blinks a wink at her before pulling her into a side hug, “I think the feelings mutual, though.”

“You do?” She peeks up.

“She hasn’t stopped staring at you since we walked in,” he smiles softly, turning back to prove a point – and yep, Sonia’s eyes are solely on Tina. “Told ya.”

She breathes with relief, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek before taking their drinks.

They end the night in a gay bar close by. It’s late, and Callum’s pretty much had enough of trying to play off Adrian’s – no Adam’s advances towards him.

He makes his excuses to head to the toilet, heads up the stairs and hears shouting and then someone’s been shoved to the floor.

“Oi!” Callum rushes up to the rest of the stairs. His head spinning when he sees it’s Ben. “Leave it guys,” Callum tries, his arms coming up to try and keep them away.

“Is that all ya got!?” Ben laughs, his tone bitter and cold, and Callum wishes he’d just _stop_.

One of the blokes dive forward once more, but Callum puts himself in front of Ben, blocks him and holds him at arms length. “Just leave it, alright? It’s not worth a night in the cells, is it?”

The blokes anger begins to calm, before shrugging himself out of Callum’s grip and fixing his hair. He points down at Ben, “you’d best watch ya back.”

Ben doesn’t say anything back, just scoffs and gets back to his feet. His palms push harshly into his eyes and Callum finds himself standing close. Close enough to rest a hand on Ben’s shoulder, squeezes it. “Talk to me,” Callum swallows, the music pounding under their feet.

“What do ya want me to say?” Ben takes himself away from Callum’s touch. “That I’m a mess? That I’m no good for anyone?”

“That’s not true,” Callum shakes his head. “You-“

“You don’t even know me, Callum!” Ben’s hands clap together. “Ya don’t know the first thing about me. So just – just leave me alone, alright?”

“No,” Callum argues. “No, I wont. I want to help you, will ya just let me?”

“What, so ya can judge me? Realise how much better your life is than mine?”

Callum shakes his head, “do you really think I’m like that? That I would do that?”

Ben’s head falls, his eyes closing. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Ben.” Callum reaches out again, his hand tentatively on Ben’s arm. “Want to go somewhere quieter?”

This time Ben agrees, heading down the stairs first. Callum sends Tina a few texts and tells her to phone him when she gets home.

They go to Callum’s place and Ben makes himself comfortable because that’s how it is around Callum – comfortable and safe.

“Tea? Coffee?” Callum goes to put the kettle on.

“Coffee be good,” Ben sinks into the sofa, his knees pressed up against his belly. “Didn’t say it before, but you’ve got a nice place.”

Callum smiles in appreciation. “Didn’t say this before either, but think I prefer ya face like it is now.”

Ben’s head rests back, his eyes on the ceiling. “That your way of saying ya fancy me?” He hopes Callum doesn’t see the beaming smile on his lips, the way goosebumps form on his arms at the thought.

Callum licks his lips, bringing their drinks over. “If it makes ya feel better,” Callum laughs a little, putting their cups down and sitting down.

Callum waits for Ben to speak first because this is on him. He isn’t going to push, Ben can tell him what he wants, what parts of himself he’s willing to put out in the open.

“I messed up,” Ben speaks slowly. “I failed the one person I’ve ever really loved and I lost him.”

“So all this is about your ex?” Callum questions.

“Paul,” Ben sighs, tears brimming in his eyes. “I – he got killed. He got killed and I couldn’t save him.”

Callum breathes out, doesn’t want to say sorry because he’s sure it’s all Ben’s heard for so long and sorry isn’t going to bring back someone who clearly meant a lot to him.

He looks at the cooling coffees on the table, and then back. “His death isn’t your fault, Ben. You weren’t to know what was going to happen.”

“So, why does it feel like that? I should have been with him. I shouldn’t have left him-“

“Ben, please,” Callum shuffles closer. “This ain’t doing you any good. You’re still grieving, and ya probably always will, but that can’t stop ya from living your life because you’ve still got yours, haven’t you?” Ben looks at him, “don’t waste it hating yourself.”

Ben shakes his head. “It’s been two years. Two years and I still remember seeing him just lying there, praying he’d just move. Praying that it weren’t real, but it was. It _is_.”

Tears fall down his cheeks and Callum’s used to seeing people at their most vulnerable, and he’s learnt to keep it together, but seeing Ben cry makes his own eyes fill up. It’s awful and he hates every bit of it.

“Don’t remember that. Remember the good stuff. The day ya first met, your first date, your first kiss,” Callum tries to smile, hopes those memories cloud any bad ones Ben has nestling inside his brain. “Can ya do that for me?”

Ben nods a little, his tongue in-between his teeth. “I think so. I can try.”

Callum picks Ben’s drink up for him. “Drink this, alright? It’s been a long day.”

After they’ve finished their drinks he offers Ben a tired smile before getting to his feet. Ben’s hand comes up to take Callum’s, their fingers locking slightly and Callum looks down at them.

“Thanks. For everything,” Ben looks up, his blue eyes soft and his lips parted. “You’re a good guy, Callum.”

Callum try’s not to tighten his fingers around Ben’s, Ben’s words are gentle and they make Callum’s insides melt.

“You ain’t all that bad yourself,” Callum tries to joke, but his words are tight and he’s pretty sure he’s blushing, can feel the heat rise up his neck.

“Nah, you just bring out the best in me.”

“Well aren’t I lucky?”

Their hands are still in each other’s and without another word Ben gets to his feet and presses a soft kiss to Callum’s cheek. His lips linger there, with his other hand sitting in-between their bodies and resting against Callum’s belly. “I’d say I was the lucky one,” Ben whispers against Callum’s cheek.

It would be so easy to close the gap between them, to just turn his head and press their lips together, but it wouldn’t be right, not in this moment.

Callum brushes his forehead against Ben’s temple before distancing himself. “Night Ben.”

Ben doesn’t take it as rejection, not if the expression on his face is anything to go by. His eyes dance across Callum’s face, he looks so much younger now, but just as beautiful and Callum gives Ben’s hand one more tight squeeze before letting go.

“Night.”

Callum resists the urge in the short space to stop and turn back, instead checks his phone and is happy when he reads Tina’s messages:

_Home now and not alone x_

_She’s amazing. Think I’ve found the one x_

**IV**

It’s been months since Ben told Callum about Paul. It’s been months since Callum wanted to feel his lips against Ben’s.

It’s an early shift and Callum must have told Ben somewhere between all the texts and late night phone calls, when he takes his break, because Ben shows up with takeaway coffees and breakfast.

They head out to the side of the hospital, Callum thankful for the warm cup in his hands. “What you doing here?”

“Hello to you too,” Ben laughs.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Callum bites his lip. “It’s obviously good to see ya.”

Ben’s smile is warm and then his eyes trail the length of Callum. “God, you look good in a uniform.”

Callum blushes, laughing stupidly. “Shut up.”

After a moments silence, Callum asks Ben again what he’s doing here because even though Ben might be joking around, Callum can see the light in Ben’s eyes are out. Can see the bags under his eyes.

Ben scratches his eyebrow, it isn’t long before he admits what’s wrong. “Been having nightmares,” Ben rolls his shoulders back, clearly tensed. “I take steps forward then hundreds back.”

“Remember what I told you, yeah? And nightmares are just that, ain’t they? They aren’t real.”

Ben’s eyes close, his head shaking as if Callum doesn’t understand. “They aren’t about Paul.” Ben looks up, “they’ve been about you.”

Callum frowns. “I’m fine,” he steps closer. “Ya don’t have to worry about me.”

“But we are getting close, ain’t we? And bad things happen when I get close to them.”

Callum sets his cup down onto the wall, his hands cupping Ben’s face. “Nothing and I mean _nothing_ is going to happen to me and even if it did, it wouldn’t be because of you, alright? Never.”

“I don’t want to lose this,” Ben whispers. “I don’t want to lose you.”

It’s a lot to take in because Callum’s not used to Ben like this. Yes, he’s open and talks when he’s ready to, but this is all from Ben. Callum had hoped Ben felt half of what he felt.

“I will be anywhere that you are, Ben.” Ben relaxes into Callum. “I ain’t going anywhere. I am in your world and you’re in mine.”

“What romantic novel did ya get that from?” Ben teases, but his hands slide under Callum’s jacket to hold onto his uniform properly and tightly. Maybe just to _really_ check he’s here and he’s ok.

Callum doesn’t say anything else, because despite the jokes, Callum’s learnt that’s one of Ben’s ways of coping. Instead he lowers his arms to wrap them tight around Ben’s shoulders and just holds him close, stroking the back of his hair.

The next minute Ben’s leaning back to see Callum’s face and then he’s in close, his lips covering his own. Again, Callum feels now might not be the right time to take all that Ben is giving, but he wants this, he has for so long.

Their first kiss is chaste until Ben’s leaning back to look up and smile, Callum’s smile matching and just as wide. Callum doesn’t think too much about leaning back in and kissing Ben more desperately, turning them until Ben’s back hits the wall.

They kiss for as long as they can until it’s time for Callum to go, but he makes sure to remind Ben that everything is going to be fine.

Ben hangs on to Callum’s every word, thanks him for helping him again and Callum promises ‘always.’

**V**

They’re a couple now, Ben’s moved in and all that was Callum’s is now theirs.

That’s how Callum knows something isn’t right. A year they’ve been sharing a bed, a year they’ve been spooning and cooling down together after massive highs.

But now Ben’s not sleeping properly. He spends the nights pacing around the flat. Callum knows he tries to be as quiet as possible, but Callum’s too aware of everything, it’s an instinct to wake up too.

Then there’s the night sweats, it’s the middle of winter and the flats cold, but Ben sweats like they’re away on a desert. He kicks out in any sleep that he gets, only calming slightly when Callum tucks his leg over Ben’s and soothes him.

It happens for two weeks and Callum had hoped Ben would have explained what was happening. It’s early, and Callum has a long shift ahead of him, but he wakes to an empty bed once more and he’ll tread as carefully as he always does, but he needs to know what’s going on inside his boyfriends head.

Ben’s sat with the telly on, but it’s on mute and he jumps slightly when he hears Callum. “I didn’t mean to wake you,” Ben mumbles. “Go back to bed, babe.”

“No point without you, is there?” Callum sits next to Ben, leaves a gap between them so the space is there if Ben needs it, but Ben looks up at him and leans his body into Callum’s, rests his head against Callum’s chest. “What’s going on mhm?” Callum asks into Ben’s fluffy hair.

Ben’s hand balls up into Callum’s T-shirt, a tired sigh escaping his lips and it’s a while until anyone speaks. “It’s been three years since Paul’s death.”

Callum closes his eyes and how could he have been so stupid to have not known? It was exactly this time last year Callum had found Ben self destructing.

He presses a kiss into Ben’s hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”

“I should have told ya,” Ben strokes Callum’s thigh. “I knew you would have worried and there’s nothing to be sorry about, alright?”

“Do ya want to do something today? I’ll phone in sick and-“

“No,” Ben shakes his head, lifting himself up to look at Callum. “You ain’t ruining your career for me.”

“It’s just one day Ben,” Callum says lightly. “I want to be here for you.”

Ben kisses him because it’s sometimes all he can do to show how much he appreciates him and he hopes it’s enough because he knows words fail him. “We can do something tonight, yeah? I’ll make that chicken pasta, see who does it better.”

Callum scoffs, “that’s my signature dish, ain’t no chance you can do it any better.”

Ben laughs then, because it’s true. “Fine, takeaway it is.”

Callum nods in agreement, pulling Ben into him until Ben’s straddling his lap. Callum yawns into Ben’s neck and Ben feels guilty because he knows Callum hasn’t been sleeping properly either. “Let me run you a bath before you go to work.”

“Only if you’re joining.”

Ben smirks, bites his bottom lip. “Thought that was obvious.”

And they laugh into each other’s mouths, Callum’s hands running up and down the length of Ben’s back and then coming to rest on his neck when they separate. “You will be alright, you know that don’t you? Whatever you’re going through, we face together.”

Ben smiles a little, comforted by Callum’s warm body beneath him, by his smell and voice and he nods in agreement because he’s always known Callum’s his saviour.

**+1**

When Ben gets the call he feels as if everything’s just crashed and burned around him. Even though he’s been assured it’s nothing serious and that Callum’s ok, it doesn’t feel like it.

_Callum’s hurt and he wasn’t there to save him._

It’s his worst fears coming true and he can’t get to the hospital quick enough.

When he does get there Callum’s on a bed with Tina sat next to him. She gives them both a hug and leaves them in piece.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Callum warns gently, can see everything ticking over in Ben’s head, can see the tears fresh in his eyes; the sight of seeing Callum hurt cripples him and he moves to hold onto the foot of the bed. “What happened to me is not the same as what happened to Paul, ya hear?” Callum lifts his arm up for Ben to reach out and take his hand and he does and he sits on the edge of the bed, his fingers soothing circles around Callum’s knuckles. “I was just trying to play the hero and I got knocked out for it,” he laughs tiredly. “Guess I wouldn’t make it as a hero in the movies.”

“Ya don’t need to,” Ben frowns. “You’ll always be my hero.”

“I’m not an hero, Ben,” Callum licks his lips.

“You save people’s lives! I’d say that made you heroic,” Ben kisses Callum’s hand. “I love you so much,” Ben breathes the words against Callum’s skin, hopes they soak up inside of Callum and warms him until he feels better.

They are not words Ben says often and Callum’s grown to be ok with that, but when he does say them, _god,_ he’d be happy to never hear another word again because they’re enough to give him every ounce of hope.

“I love you more,” Callum claims.

Ben doesn’t argue it, because those words leave Callum’s mouth every day, just before work and just before they sleep and Ben’s grown to maybe believe it. He’s got a big enough of a heart to carry a lot of love for anyone, even someone who might not deserve it all and all the goodness that it brings.

“I’m gonna look after ya,” Ben promises. “For once you’re gonna let someone take care of you, right? Starting with this,” Ben leans down and kisses Callum once, twice, moans when Callum hungrily pulls him in even more.

“Yeah, I think I can get behind that.”

  
_To show you care for someone is to lend a helping hand and that’s what they’ll do until they can’t no more._


End file.
